3 out of 5 hotmesstinis
I attribute the weirdos at my friend’s bachelorette party to the state of Florida. Clearwater happens to be the place where a hotel maid once used her penis to pee on my foot while chasing a bug between bathroom stalls with her urine stream, and yes, you read that right. Point is, at the bachelorette party, things kept happening...
We’ve all experienced a feeling of “I feel like people are behaving differently toward me than people usually do.” Here are some examples from the bachelorette:
- General hollering out of truck windows, creepy eye contact, and nodding in our direction
- A middle aged man in a bar at 3 am who offered for his "friend with money" to buy us drinks. (He talked A LOT about how he once got his dick painted like Wile E. Coyote. I finally said, “fine, let’s see that paint job,” which ended up being just basically a picture of his penis with two eyes painted above it.)
- At dinner our first night we had four waiters for six ladies. FOUR WAITERS. If you thought “that’s too many waiters” then you thought the same thing I thought. All dudes. And they lingered a bit.
Maybe it’s because we all looked like snacks that night.
Random side note: my favorite cat callers are those who lack the confidence to speak up and be understood. Like, I'd probably be offended, but I didn't hear you.
But Anyway, The Naked Guy
Picture this: six women relaxing and drinking around a tiny pool designated for a mini condo rental place. It was the middle the day and with plenty of other things to do, we weren’t expecting company since this lil’ retreat was off the radar and nobody else seemed to be around the rental place. But company we got when a man in his late 30s joined us, balls deep in the tiniest of man thongs.
Just being there he was in our space, but especially because he was making no effort to be out-of-the-way.
He kept asking us questions and then told us a bunch of weird lies about what he did (eg: I’m in the American Navy in southern Germany where I’m on base. Having lived there for one year, I’ve adopted German culture, which involved nudity to the point of going to the supermarket naked.) I don't think he'd ever been to Germany or a supermarket for that matter. We all just tried not to talk to him. Odd as it was, we figured he was another guest and had a right to be there.
At one point, he got quiet for a while and I didn’t know if he was still there or lurking behind me, but I was scared to look because it was awkward vibes all around and I didn’t want to invite conversation with eye contact. You can imagine how this might have changed the fun mood of our party. Then, I hear him getting out of the pool via the latter behind me, and I turn around to look, only to notice a LIVE BUTT HOLE and a SCROTUM to match.
I made panicked eye contact with a friend, we exchanged looks, and then we burst out laughing.
Why. Is this guy. Naked.
I was cackling and he asked about it, to which I responded “you can’t just take your dick out! I saw an unexpected scrotum! Call a red scrotum alert before you just disrobe like that ARE YOU SERIOUS!” I was laughing because of shock and general discomfort. He did not take a hint or ask "oh? should I put my g-string back on?"
Anyway, we tried to go on enjoying our party but it was clear the relaxing part of this pool party was over. Two people went inside, nobody else wanted to be the last out there with him, and then the rest of us went inside, where we recapped. We asked ourselves, “Does this feel odd to you all? Does he even go here? We all agree he was definitely lying the whole time right? But, are we overreacting though? Etc.”
Then we went on with our lives.
The Sequel is Always Worse than the Original
The next day, we went to the beach in the morning and came back from the beach in waves. The first group of girls got back first to find who else but the same guy who had reappeared in his little thong. He invited them into the pool (cringed as I typed that), which they declined. Due to the location of the door, there was no avoiding him as we went inside. They said, it was right after that, as if he viewed their presence as an invitation, to get naked and he stripped once again to complete nudity.
I got back with the second wave of women to naked guy with his gross eggplant on display for all to see.
That way strike two for unexpected scrotum sightings.
He invited us in as well, to which we were like “that's a no,” which sucked because we were totally going to get in the pool.
Then we had a decision to make. We decided he likely wasn’t staying at the condo (it wouldn't have made sense for one person to rent there) so to give the owner of our rental property a head's up. We sent a nice text, “hey - not complaining but - there is a naked man by the pool FYI. Apart from that, we're having a lovely time!” She called us immediately. “A what?" she asked. She was like... listen there are NO men renting there right now, only women. Also, that is not OK so her husband was on the phone with the police. The police!
We all ran around trying to find appropriate angles from conspicuous window viewing points to watch this dude's interaction with the police. We didn’t want him to know where the complaint had come from, because we didn’t know what flavor of freak he was.
Damsels in Distress
When the police pulled up quietly and when he saw them he grabbed his G-string, but couldn’t cover that little zucchini in time and the three officers made eye contact with his one-eyed croissant. In less than a minute we heard a knock at the door. It was clear the cops were there, so I opened as I was (in my bathing suit, Corona in hand). One officer came in to ask a few questions, and told us that naked guy said he knew us and implied that he was a guest of ours. Once we confirmed the complaint came from us he said, “we’ll get this clown on his way and come back and talk to you.”
About ten minutes later, the cop came back with two other officers. The girl who answered the door this time hid her beer behind her back due to "oh shit, it's the cops" college reflexes (despite all of us being in our late twenties). Hilarious.
All in our bathing suits, the police officer said “he thinks you all are friends.” He told us the guy was homeless and pool hopping but that he didn’t think the guy would come back.
We were all relieved but freaking out he would come back with a naked vengeance. The cops chatted with us for probably ten minutes and joked around with us. It seemed like they were jealous we were hanging out drinking. Our resident bachelorette was literally chillin’ on a big chair in her tiny bikini under a sign that said “bride to be” and they were asking where we were from and joking with us about naked guy. I don’t think they wanted to leave. I assume “saving bachelorette party from naked man” is one of the more fun calls for a group of male officers.
After all this, we didn’t get back in the pool.
Hot Mess Tips
If you can’t handle seeing a penis, Florida might not be the state for your next vacation. I almost never see random penises but I always seem to in Florida.
I am still WAY TOO FUCKING POLITE. Don’t be like me.
This one for all the men out there: STOP SHOWING PEOPLE YOUR PENIS UNLESS THEY ASK TO SEE IT. Someone tricked me into looking at theirs earlier in the story so, if you really want to show someone just trick them like that.